Why I won’t apologise for being me

personal

It’s been a while since I wrote something that isn’t work related.

But today, since I have a minute to spare I thought I’d write an update.

I’m working now – yes, no more freelancing from my couch. As fun as that was, it was time for progress. I love where I’m at now, every day I learn something new and I think I’m doing alright.

My personal life, it’s been a rollercoaster.

I was seeing this guy and while I was sure that I made myself clear that things had to be light and casual, his selective hearing thought I was playing around with his emotions.

First of all, nothing emotional next to me ranting about my day happened. I didn’t want any involvement because when we were meeting each other, I had just started work and my schedule was erratic. This fella calls in the dead of the night, drunk, while I had only 3 hours left to sleep. Was it wrong that I got upset? I told him off and made clear if he were to call me, there are proper times. The following weekend, I texted him, but he said he’d already been seeing someone else.

Another guy I met for a date over the holidays, we hit it off fine. Or so I thought… this guy worked evenings while I tend to fall asleep around 11pm. So when he wanted to meet up, I made an exception to wait for him, little did I know humans are just as flaky if not more compared to a freshly baked pastry. So I sent him a goodnight text, stating clearly how I was disappointed because I actually liked him enough to want to get to know him.

Now I don’t understand why these two guys, when I say I’m busy, I have work, and I generally just want to rest – would treat it as if I said they needed to work harder for me.

So I want to throw this question out to the internet, WHY DO GUYS HAVE SELECTIVE HEARING?

Additionally, while it is a rhetoric question – why are hardworking girls put down for chasing their career?

I was in a Grab car earlier this week, I merely mentioned that I happened to be working the weekend. The first thing the driver asked was about the status of my relationship, as if it would have made a difference if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

It’s mid 2017, why is a girl that would rather work or learn more skills is still being judged if they are single and over 23 years old?

I would just like to put out to the cyberspace, that I choose to work hard – and even if I didn’t have to… I would still be chasing something more than a marriage proposal. It’s as simple as me also not planning to procreate. Why do I have to follow an archaic stigma put upon women that would rather buy a plane ticket to Fiji than a stroller that’s adjustable? Come on, peeps it’s time for progress.

Another thing I would like to touch on this long rant post – I’ve held back a lot – is about my anxiety and how I choose to control the outbursts that it comes with.

I like cleaning my apartment, it is organised in a way that I know where everything is. Little things like my ballerina figurine or my ceramic monkey have meaning to me. So when somebody else whom I knew less than a few hours suggest change or offer to tidy up – I get triggered because I’ve set a system and while tape may not be able to hold the bed slats up, I will eventually find a time to figure out what will.

It’s not an overreaction when I set rules that will allow me not to go full on homicidal – it’s a preventive action from my overreaction if things were done different from how I set my first home to be.

I make my points very straightforward, I’ll bend if I feel like it’s the only way I won’t break. I make known my mental illness only to those who should know – this case being the housemate I live with. I will accept negotiations to a certain point where it does not create a ticking time bomb in my head.

People should be aware that for cases like mine, I control tiny figurines and pink spray bottles filled with cleaning chemicals in replacement of the bigger things in my head that I cannot. Approach carefully and be wary on how my tone changes in a defensive way when the little things are tinkered with.

At the end of the day, I do not want to snap because of movements of objects that I had set for a specific reason, and saying “Oh it’s just in your head” will never help me from not curling in the corner of my queen size bed validating your dismissal of my issues.

I’m done apologising for being true to myself, I’m over making adjustments to my boundaries because others ridicule the system that keeps me at bay, I will not tolerate or be pushed over to apologise about my mental state or choices. I’ve worked on myself too hard for anyone to dismiss my best efforts to be a better person.

Anyway, that’s all for tonight.

For those feeling the same way or are in similar situations, leave a comment or tweet me on my twitter @shenntyara 🙂 I update (almost) daily.

For others, please take account on your actions and words because to those “overreacting”, it matters more than you think.

X.

 

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