April’s Fool

personal

It’s been forever since I put a letter after another together here on the blog. Honestly, it’s been getting harder for me to string words together and share what I’ve been going through.

The past few weeks were a whirlwind of bad episodes, I can’t be alone with my thoughts without shedding silent tears even when my best friend sleeps next to me.

I’ve managed to hide the pain when I’m out with friends, I pushed through when work needed to be done, and I’ve once more slathered a smile on my face when I needed to be out in public.

But here’s the truth, I’m exhausted mentally. Emotionally, I feel drained and I feel it taking a toll on my physical health. I can’t sleep before the sun shines through the window, I feel hunger yet my body rejects the food I consume. I try to convince myself that it’s all mind over matter when it comes to this, and logically I understand that there are those that I can ask for help and that they’re there with open arms… whilst grateful, I admit to be ashamed cause what can I offer back?

Today, tears dampened my cheek when I was on a motorbike ride to meet my friends. I tilt my head down at the gathering and kept to my journal. I try to tire myself out but my eyes remain awake. Yet when I sleep, flashes of memories mix itself into my dreams keeping me from waking.

It’s another night I meet with the strike of dawn, I wish I was home but home is a location lost in my past. My heart burns with a lingering pain yearning for relief.

 

 

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