Dancing Around the Rainbow

I never expected this. Ever. But here goes…

There was always this curiosity in me, but until last week, I’ve never pursued it. Mostly because I grew up in a society that only accepts heterosexual relationships. Sure, there were moments in college that I kissed girls on dares and a brief holiday where a cute pilot expressed her interest. But that was it for me… until about two months ago.

I saw this girl, my immediate reaction was “oh, she’s cute” and I thought like the other girls I’ve found cute, it would pass. That weekend I was working the same event as her, and I found myself at times just looking at her from where I was stationed,  and every time I caught her smiling, my initial thought of her made me blush.

It was weeks after an actual conversation with her that I got myself brave enough to ask her to join me at a club. Surprised and excited that she said yes was where I kinda knew that this was a real attraction. Whether it’s just towards her, or the female gender is yet to be known.

I don’t know where to categorize myself yet, but for the first time ever I am open to the possibility of dating somebody of the same gender.

But this… whatever it is, is new and fresh and exciting and terrifying to me. I opened up to my best friend who’s planning a wedding in the next two years and while she’s supportive about my choices, she also brought up the things I worried about myself. If this isn’t a passing phase, what happens next? How would I break it to the rest of my friends?

At one point I think the hardest thing was saying it out loud to myself;

I like guys, but I like girls, too. 

On a different note, I am performing stand up at a rainbow event in June. More details about that will be updated once I can.

Leave in comments what you’d like to read more about.

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Lost in Saigon

I am inflicted by the lost of words, Ho Chi Mihn was très jolie. While I can try to describe you the sights, a picture is worth a thousand words so I’d rather show you with some of the pictures I took.

But it was the journey that I took throughout my weekend there that helped me discover myself; I got lost in Saigon only to find the answers to questions I’ve been asking all year.

Being in a new place that I had never been to nor I understood the language of gave me a sense of tranquility in the chaotic state my mind had been in,  it was in the minor decisions I made; choosing which road to walk down next, where should I have lunch, how do I ask for the Wi-Fi password… that I realize most of  my worries were no use. Like Newt Scalamander said, worrying only makes you suffer twice. 

The best thing that this trip gave me was a sense of relief in myself. I think it’s important for more people to give time and space fro their mental energy to recharge; it might not to get lost in a foreign land, everyone is different… but change is constant and sometimes it’s hard to keep up with.

I realize that I’ve been putting others ahead of me and that was a great injustice to my mental health and that affected my judgement in many things. It was when I decided to voice out my stand on others pushing me about, I felt better. I’ve always given my friends advice that it’s okay to be selfish once in a while, I forgot to be selfish for me.

I’m not saying to be selfish about all things under the sun, but when it matters and there’s greater repercussions in the long run… it’s okay to step away from a negative landmine that could be in a person or situation. I admit it sucks, losing friends when the group’s ambience goes against your self development. But if they truly cared it won’t matter how far away or distant you become, when you come back they’ll be there.

A dear friend of mine reminded me of that today. When people are true, it’s easy to be open and you will be led to development. I joined in her performing arts class midway through meditation and there was clear sense of positive energy. We had a session of confessions and revealed a secret or two and in that small class of all girls, I saw the different dilemmas everyone was going through. We shared positivity and cultivated kindness and in that moment I knew that while the world seems hectic, as long as there’s a sound support system – from others or from within yourself – it will be okay. 

Cultivating kindness is something that I hold close to my every day life; saying thank you to the Grab driver, letting another go into a coffee shop first, or just smiling to the toddler in a cafe. It’s a tiny effort that pays itself forward. 

In Ho Chi Mihn, not far from my hostel room there is a traditional coffee stand by the corner of the road; while I could’ve gone to a cleaner place I decided to order a tall glass of ice coffee with milk. The lady who runs it with her daughter spoke barely any English, neither did her customers that was sitting at the table next to me; but we somehow understood each other and I felt safe to try to converse. The elderly uncles at the next table offered me a drink which I accepted, he then told me to join his table… that night I ringed my night with these strangers that didn’t speak my language but we were able to communicate in kindness. I stopped by the last night to share my take away food and they managed to google translate to English what I translated to Vietnamese – Thank you. 

Before I babble on, I hope those that do read this post enjoy my Saigon journey in pictures.  I will gladly share my itinerary for those who comment.

I bid my adieus with a smile and wish everyone a positive night.

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